Manic Monday and the Love for Anxiety (sike...)

It's Monday morning, and this is what my Monday morning consisted of...

Often times, I am used to getting up with minimal time to get ready.

This is not something I can control, but it's something that I have to deal with.

I shouldn't have to accept it, but in a way, I do

(if I am going to get any help at all, half assed or not).

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but this is why it's so hard to accept physical help. It's so hard to lose that part of your independence!

I don't think I will ever get over it, or at least it feels that way.

It seems like I am working with them more than they are working with me.

I get up most mornings with 20-40 minutes to get ready to go.

That includes getting out of bed, unplugging my wheelchair, getting into my wheelchair, trying to get my basic hygiene done, and hoping I look like something going out the door.

Often, I am scrambling to make it out the door with my socks and shoes on, honestly. not counting the stuff I have to grab to take to work.

Usually, I like to have at least 2 or 2 and a half hours to get ready for work so I don't have to half ass getting ready, possibly have time to put something on my stomach, and look like an actual human being.

My ride gives me a thirty minute pickup window, so they are able to show up any time between that 30 minute window. Most of the time, they only wait five minutes.

I find myself these days, hoping that they are running towards the end of my thirty minute window, just so I have a little more time to get ready.

I have been riding with this transportation company for quite some time now.

Most of them are pretty cool and willing to wait a little longer so that I will actually make it to where I have to go. Most of the time, that means work.

Yet, it seems like my help either doesn't get it or doesn't care to take it seriously.

I'm not sure.

I have tried to explain that the reason I go through anxiety early in the morning is because I am literally racing against time. Most times, it feels like I am doing the bare minimum to get ready anyway!

Often times, I am told "I don't understand why you are getting so worked up. You are just going to have to not do everything. That's all! Omit the stuff that you can't get finished until you get home!"

While I am being told this, I am thinking "What am I doing that is extra? I am barely doing what I need to do!!"

Other times, I am told "Stuff happens. Sometimes you miss work!"

Here's the thing... It's never my choice. It's always someone else's choice...at least usually.

I am always told anxiety doesn't help you get things done, and it makes things worse.

Well, DUH! That's why I hate it. So, can you help me out and give me at least an hour to get ready??

Thoughts like this constantly are my morning thoughts on a daily basis, and that's exactly what happened this Monday morning.

I don't want to seem entirely negative, but just like everyone else, it's not always sunny and smooth and puppy dogs and unicorns.

It's real life. It's just that mine plays out a little differently.

My biggest stressors are the most simple and common things that the average person would not have to think about. Honestly, I can say that having reliable help is my biggest stressor of life right now!

So, after getting over my anxiety filled Monday morning, I just took it as a way of God saying that I could use today as an extra rest day.

Don't dwell on it and tomorrow is a brand new day!

Certain times, it can be harder than other times going through this.

Not only do I miss work if this happens at times, but I also miss other plans after work such as appointments, meetings, etc... it makes me have to rearrange my whole entire day due to planning my ride after work, and unfortunately, it's not something I can change last minute or change half and not do the other half.

My transportation doesn't work like that!

Uber and Lyft are not options for me, nor is hopping in just anyone's car.

I need an accessible van and $25,000, but I don't play lottery, so please comment if you have advice! Just putting it out there (Lol!)

So, today I just took the loss, and took it as a rest day and watched SVU on Hulu all day! The rest of my week is busy. I have to work tomorrow and then go vote. Wednesday, I have my makeup getting done and then a small photo shoot. Thursday I have to work, and then Friday is another appointment. I am constantly praying, and I am going to believe that the rest of the week is going to go relatively smooth

and that I am going to do what I need to get done, Thank you, Baby Jesus!

Thank you guys for letting me vent! I promise that the next blog will be happier!

Until next time, as I always say, please continue to show your support!

I thank you very much in advance!

Always feel free to comment, share, and subscribe!

Wishing you all a restful evening and sending love to all!

~Kamie ~

P.S. I'm very critical of any photos of me! So, if I happen to actually like one that I take on Wednesday, I'll be putting it as my new blog photo! So, stay tuned, and hopefully I will blog about my photo shoot!

Happy World Vegan Day!

This is a little off subject to begin with, but I want to apologize for being a little bit all over the place on my last blog. I know, I shouldn't have to apologize, but I usually like my blogs to run smoother than that. Thanks for your feedback. It's always helpful, and I love you guys for that! Now, back to the subject at hand!

This is a subject that has become important to me over the last couple of years, and I think it's important to talk about my journey so that it can lend some helpful insight for someone else. That is my hope, however.

The way it began for me, I started just by hearing the word "vegan" quite often. I honestly did not have a clue what the word vegan meant, let alone what it would mean to become a vegan.

The more I kept hearing about it, the more it intrigued me. I started to look videos up on youtube as well as searching social media for groups to join. Quickly, I started seeing Facebook events, so I started attending a few of those. There were seminars, cooking events, Vegan food festivals, etc... I also started to follow pages on Instagram. The more involved I got in these pages, events, and groups, I felt like it was really time for me to give it a try. I really like what the meaning of vegan stands for-- no cruelty to animals, testing and other stuff, a cleaner healthier lifestyle and way of eating... it just makes sense to me. I wanted to do it for moral reasons and health reasons and for the environment. It has become way to easy and convenient for everyone to be wasteful and trash the Earth-- there's only one Earth, and we have to take care of it. I have been guilty of it too. I'm not saying that... Littering and not recycling and not being cautious enough about what it does to the water and animals and the air we breathe.

Now, I am not perfect. I fall off the wagon all the time. However, it is something that I hold dear in my heart and work hard at on a daily basis.

Start off small, recycle! Take one day out of the week where you cut out meat and animal product for dinner! Then, slowly move to a second day of the week! Starting a Vegan lifestyle is not something that you do overnight. It's definitely baby steps.

Yes, I am still learning as I am going! My disadvantage to this whole vegan lifestyle is that often times, if not always, it's not easy for me to cook due to having to work my schedule around other people, the fact that I may need help with some things, and financially, things get tight for me. Therefore, I don't really keep groceries in my house. Besides, it's only me. Nevertheless, since I have been on this vegan journey, I have made connections with some pretty amazing people! On this blog, I will shoutout plant based Gabriel (find his page on Facebook). He always does really insightful videos with a bunch of helpful advice and an upbeat positive attitude. He has quite the following! He's a really good guy! I've been to some of the events that he has been a part of. Check him out and read his book as well! It's on Amazon, and it's called The Plant Based Diet for Beginners. It has amazing and easy recipes that you can find all your ingredients at Food Lion. Yes, he did that on purpose!

The link to look at it if you are interested is below:

https://www.amazon.com/Plant-Based-Diet-Beginners-Delicious/dp/1646110420/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=4CYHYPHKRLTT&dchild=1&keywords=plant+based+diet+for+beginners+book&qid=1604272104&sprefix=plant+based+diet+for+be%2Caps%2C170&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyVU82UjkwQktTSDJEJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwOTMyNTg3Tk04RzZZWVE2TDZHJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTAxMjU5NjAzMkY5VTVPVjgwWEs5JndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==

Paperback is only 10 bucks, literally! I have tried a couple of the recipes. Really simple and tastes really good! You don't even know that you are eating vegan! Support this local Richmond author! He's well educated, and he continues to educate himself. If by chance you already know him, there you go! That's already to your advantage. Tell him Kamie said hey! If I have any subscribers or friends out there reading this, then let's connect! Maybe, we can cook together! I love to be around like minded individuals!

This vegan journey for me is also because I have this amazing love for life and nature. I want to be kind to all living creatures. There is a whole other world out there just waiting for us to explore it. I would love to find an organization out there that has the tools and accessibility to help individuals like myself be able to get out and explore the Earth and amazing universe more. I've been in Virginia most of my life, but there is still a whole lot of Virginia that I have not seen yet, and I would love to explore.

Give this vegan thing a try! If you fall off repeatedly, it's okay! Guess what? I fell off today! It's hard to give up things! You have to give up cow cheese, you have to give up meat, you have to give up eggs, oh my! However good news, guys! There are alternatives--vegan alternatives-- to all of those things! So, there is no reason to freak out! I would encourage you to do more research, as I am no expert. I can tell you this, though-- becoming vegan will dramatically improve the way you feel, how much medication you have to possibly take , help your aches and pains, and help your energy levels! Then, you can thank me later because I introduced you to the possibility of a vegan world! You Are Welcome (LOL!)

Occasionally, there will be other blogs about my vegan journey, but I thought that this blog would be a good start since it is World Vegan Day! I hope it's not too cheesy, guys!

I hope you enjoyed reading this, even if you think it might be cheesy! As always, I enjoyed sharing it! Please, feel free to leave comments, suggestions, or any questions! You can ask me any questions! Believe me, I don't think that there is any question that I have not been asked in my 33 years of living! Seriously, ask me anything! Just don't be mean on purpose, please! Sending love to all! See you on the next blog! I now have a couple of pictures up-- Click on the "take a peek at these" button, and have a good laugh (maybe!)

Please continue to show your support by sharing, commenting, and subscribing!

Take this ride along with me!

Love to All!

~Kamie~

Better Late Than Never! Get to Know Me (haha)

I should have done this sooner, but here we go!

Ok guys, so I am Kamie (obviously, lol!)

Bear with me as I write some of this, even though I have dealt with my disability for 33 years, I still find it hard to be open and talk about having special needs. I really don't consider myself special needs. There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but somehow I still feel ashamed and uncomfortable in my own skin.

As I'm writing this, I'm having a really hard time, and I didn't think I would become overcome with emotion at the very beginning. However, here I am looking at the screen crying like an idiot (even though my friend helping me work through this says I'm not an idiot).

Oh boy, so I have Cerebral Palsy and scoliosis.

I think the worst part of my disability, or the part that bothers me the most, is the scoliosis (curvature of the spine).

Let me give you little insight why...

I have a pretty difficult case of scoliosis, and I curve quite a bit.

It really makes me feel self conscious.

In my head, it's the part that makes me feel more special needs than anything else...

I have gone through two back surgeries and a slew of other surgeries, and I told myself that

I would not make myself go through any more, but in the back of my head, I keep thinking about the fact that there might be a surgery to help my ankles and make me straighter and more centered (you know... blah blah blah).

I'll always have people tell me "God made you just the way he wanted you to be," and I want to believe it, but I still question it all the time.

My clothes do a good job of disguising most of it, I think, but over the years, my curvature has gotten worse, and I just hope that right now it's pretty stable for the moment.

So, this might be a little backwards...

Growing up, I didn't really have the right support system in place during my early years to get me going, and even though I would do physical therapy a few times a week, my mother would rely on my physical therapist and the people at my school to take responsibility, and I guess she thought that was enough.

She was a single mother with three kids, a lot of stress, and what have you (I might get into that with another blog).

She just didn't have the right tools, education, or the will to put in the effort.

That doesn't make her a bad mother. Don't get me wrong.

She did the best she could.

Sometimes, I really would hate my early upbringing, for too many reasons to discuss on this blog.

I look at other kids with disabilities, their families, and all the supports that they have...

The support systems that would do anything to help them grow up healthy and live a full life... I envy that.

People say you can't dwell on the past, and it's up to me now to advocate for myself and ultimately, I am my own support system

It's a daily struggle, Lord knows!

One day at a time, tears, smiles, fake it until you make it kind of outlook.

The daily struggles I go through just to be "normal"

What is normal, honestly? Would average be a better word?

I don't know... whatever.

Everything takes planning and effort... going to the bathroom, getting reliable help just to show up, getting a shower, getting in and out of a car, getting dressed, etc... things that "average" people take for granted.

Now, I am not saying that in a bad way. I am just saying in general.

Back before my second back surgery, and of course I was younger too, wait let me back up a little bit...

Okay, so when I was in my mother's care, I didn't know anything but helplessness.

I guess my mother didn't know any better, or she didn't have the energy to show me how to be independent. So, long story short, when I went into foster care (another story for another day), I was basically forced to figure it out or get left behind.

There was no one around who would tote me around and carry me all day long.

Quickly, I learned independence, whether I wanted to or not!

I was mad as hell. I couldn't understand why these people wouldn't do it for me... because that's what I was used to, after all!

So there was a time where I could do everything on my own with minimal struggle, and after my second back surgery, I lost some of that mobility... a lot of it being my own fault because 1). I didn't have great transportation to physical therapy and 2), I don't get motivated on my own to do that kind of stuff. I do better when I am around like minded people. This is a pathetic excuse... I'm not trying to make one, but I am just trying to be honest. I need to do better. I know it. Knowing it and doing it is two different things... you know?

So, let me tell you... I am still independent. I live on my own, pay my own bills, go to work, and hold down a job. Getting that job was hell; they say that they don't discriminate, but shit, we all know that's a lie. At the time, the HR that hired me was well educated and comfortable with individuals such as myself, she made me feel like any other person. She wasn't nervous around me. She didn't stumble to find the right words. No hesitation. She was good at what she did. That was 16 years ago. Sadly, finding unique people in today's workforce is few and far between. I am forever grateful to Jane Blanchard (spelling on last name), now Jane Holmes for this opportunity that turned into 16 years... not that it was planned (LOL), but as I always say... that's another story for another time!

All in all, I am a one person army (at least I feel that way for the most part).

I just deal with it, I guess. One day at a time, right?

I am thankful every day when I can actually get up and make it to work.

The anxiety I have to go through sometimes is rough.

That's why it's hard to want to rely on someone to have to help me.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful to get the help that I have!

The anxiety just kills my soul sometimes... actually, a lot of times...

I don't really feel like I have "friends".

I mean, I know I have people that say that they are my friend, but

I really don't hang out with anyone.

Honestly, I put out a lot to go somewhere, to have someone drive me,

just so I can have somewhat of a social life every so often.

I put out a lot because I feel like maybe if I do that, they wouldn't think of me as such a burden.

I don't know... those are just thoughts in my own head.

I just strive to be as positive as I possibly can be.

I am full of gratitude because I know that even though I go through all of these different things in life, I go through on a daily basis physically, there is someone out there in a really dark miserable place. I try to keep that mindset and stay humble.

I am human. I have my days,

There are just simply some days when I feel downright blue or pretty pathetic...

The struggle is real. It's hard. It sucks

I have this love for life... for achievement... to explore... the want to be more than I am today... that's what keeps me going and won't allow me to give up. At least not today.

I have so many goals! I want to be able to build a small accessible house made for me.

I want to write this book. 30 Years of PowerWheels; I don't even know the process. Lord. have mercy! Maybe I will get connected with someone at some point that will help me ride it out... you know, etc...etc... other stuff. It's hard to have people look at you and automatically think that you are not as valued or equally human because you are limited.

That's something I deal with on a daily basis... even at work to this day!

It's hard to find people that will give you chances and listen!

It's hard having people tell you in your 3rd year of college that you can't come back on campus and finish your classes unless you have someone who can come and help you when you have to use the restroom. I fell a couple of times when I was by myself... so therefore, I became a liability, and they didn't want to deal with that.

So, therefore, they didn't think it was any of their problem afterwards.

They kept telling me to go to J Sarge, finish your classes there, and see what transfers.

Then, if you have help, you can come back!

So yeah, I reached out to J Sarge, and none of the credits for the past three years, up until my junior year, would transfer except for a couple of my gen eds.

Of course, I got discouraged and angry! I cried! They wouldn't even let me finish my current semester before they kicked me out.

So, if you are wondering, no I didn't continue at J Sarge, and no, I am not self disciplined enough for online classes... I am just not, okay (lol). I had already wracked up so much debt already for three years... why would I backtrack??

Just RIDICULOUS.

I just had one more year, and I would have finished. I don't know what I am feeling like... I am just feeling like... "how dare you!" I want to be mad at this point still, but I know I can't go on like that. So, I told myself that my next move was going to be to write this book and to work REALLY hard on trying to love myself. Man, is that a struggle, for real!

This is at least half of Kamie... You either think I'm loony tunes , or you love me (LOL)!

I love you guys, and I always try to be kind.

I'm just like anyone else.

This blogging thing, I think, will be like therapy for me. Hopefully, it will turn in to a book soon!

Still continue to be patient with me. I am no expert! I am learning this blogging thing as I go.

I hope you enjoy reading this, as much as I enjoy sharing (even though I had to make myself share this one...)

I am an emotional wreck (even though my friend helping me says I am not), and I am going to go get ready for bed at this point so I can start a new day tomorrow.

Sending love to all! See you on the NEXT blog.

Please subscribe and follow. I promise, it will be fun.

Maybe a few tears along the way, but it will be fun.

Good night, and I will be writing again soon.

~Kamie~