Saying I Love You!

What a loaded subject! I love you... three little words that can mean so much but easily be overused at the same time. When growing up with my immediate family (mother, grandmother, and some other family members), despite challenges being with immediate family, one thing that was always there was my mother and my grandmother saying "I love you," which one would view as a positive but often times, as crazy or awkward as it may seem, I always felt annoyed at how easily and often it would be said. Why? I mean, I really don't have a good grasp on how to explain it, but I felt like a lot of times, not all times, but a lot of times, it would be said just to have something to say, or in certain situations around certain people, audiences, just to portray a positive in the midst of a negative situation. Sometimes, saying I love you was almost an act to prove something or to make up for guilt, I guess. That's my opinion with my own family. Maybe, it was to put on a front. It often felt like it was too easy for them to say I love you... like it didn't have meaning at times, and they just threw it out there to anyone... you know what I mean, not like strangers, but you get the idea. Possibly a way to draw people in, but not necessarily in a good way...not always bad... just had always come across as annoying to me . Now, I love to let people know that I love them, and I have a lot of love in my heart for other people. I like to think of myself as a loveable person, however, there are times, 8 times out 10, that I find it hard to say I love you to just anyone who says "I love you, girl" or "Love you, Kamie!" If we are being completely honest here, I find it the hardest to say to my immediate family. A lot of times, I ask myself, is that horrible? Why is it the hardest to say to family? Then I ask, do I love them? So, to answer my question, yes, I love them. I guess I just don't have the closest bond to them. Maybe that's why? On the other hand, with other people, I usually have to be pretty comfortable with you for awhile and be able to know you pretty well in order to say I love you and have it mean something. This doesn't mean that I don't care and that I am not concerned. I just find it easier for me right now as my own person to show my love in action. The picture that I posted on this blog describes me to a T, honestly! I will always make sure that somebody eats. I will always tell somebody to please be safe, be a listening ear. I have had several folks often tell me that I should always tell my mother that I love her, and I do, I just don't throw it at her all the time. That bond just isn't there, and I don't know if that has something to do with it or not! I am sure that it does, actually! I know that my mother loves me... sometimes, it just feels not so natural... almost like it's just something to say because maybe she feels like she has to say it because she's my mother. I don't know. I don't always say it back, honestly. Not because I am trying to be an ass, it's just not something that rolls off of my tongue.

Would it be crazy to tell you that I can say I love you to my foster parents easier than I can say it to my mother? Maybe, I feel like there's a maternal bond with them? Still, it's going to be a struggle more times than not. Is it weird? Am I the only one out there to have an issue like this? I care deeply.. all the time. I do. When I love, I love hard! There's love all around me in the form of a question- or statement- "did you eat today?" "please put a coat on and stop being stubborn" "text me when you get home" (something I will actually hear from my mother on several occasions) "I'll be ok. You take care of you" (this is one I say all the time).

I do want to have a special bond with that one person someday and be able to have someone to come home to and to say I love you to before I leave or before going to sleep and meaning it... without feeling like it's forced or just saying it because it feels like it should be said... I am so tired of questioning other's sincerity when they say I love you. When I feel comfortable enough to say it, no one will question the sincerity of my words.

I will stop here for tonight. It's been a long day. It's been really tough to blog lately, but I do hope that this blog flows well. I do look forward to writing my next one related around the holidays. Thank you for your support and taking four minutes out of your day to read my blogs. Always share and hit the subscribe button if you want to! It would mean a lot! I pray all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, even though it may have looked a little different this year! Until the next blog, that will be coming soon... take care and be well

XXX

~Kamie~